In a stunning move that is gaining momentum all across the Northwoods, local churches have cancelled worship services for the upcoming weekend.
A spokesman for the movement, Joe S. Lacker, said, “God is certainly good and great, but lately he hasn’t been as good and great as he’s been in the past. I mean, how long has the winter of 2022-2033 been, right? We’re hoping that he’ll notice that folks are really hurting down here, and that we’re tired of having to do things God’s way.”
Local reaction is mixed. Many reacted to the news with a head-scratching, “Huh? What? Worship?” One gentleman, a self-professed NBA/NHL/MLB/NFL (all sports, really) fanatic expressed disappointment, “There’s not a lot of sports to watch this weekend, and I was actually thinking about going to church. But if there’s no service, I’ll just watch whatever games I can find.”
Many in the Northwoods (and those who like to visit) consider this upcoming weekend a sort of psuedo-religious holiday: it’s the opening of fishing season. And although boats may collide with some ice chunks here and there, many are looking forward to temperatures above 30 degrees. Finally.
I. D. Knowlton, (nickname IDK), was excited about the decision. “People are really busy. And Sunday is often the only day I have to myself. Considering the fact that people can’t always get the big-screen HDTV and the smartphone they’d really like to have, this is a chance to show God that he needs to step up a bit.”
Area clergy offered mixed views. I. M. Martyr, pastor at the “Glass Half Empty Christian Church,” said, “I’m disappointed. It’s true that only 40% of people who call themselves Christian attend worship on any given weekend. But we really should be open for the few who want to come.”
Pastor Stephen Luchterhand, who declined to identify his congregation, said, “Are you kidding? This is great! I can find some open water and finally get my posterior out of the office and the boat out of the garage. Plus, I’ll have “grandchildren time” both in-person and via FaceTime; nothing better!”
Another church leader who wished to remain anonymous declared, “Whatever you do this weekend, ask yourself this, ‘Will staying away from worship (for whatever the reason) finally get God to work himself more into our schedules and plans?’ Let’s hope so. And let’s stay united on this! We’ll show God a thing or two.”
(*You’ve been pranked. Is it OK to “prank” God with our excuses?)
David wrote: “I rejoiced with those who said to me, ‘Let us go to the house of the Lord.’” (Psalm 122:1 NIV)
The sons of Korah wrote: “Yes, one day in your courts is better than a thousand elsewhere. I would rather wait at the doorway of the house of my God than dwell in the tents of the wicked.” (Psalm 84:10 EHV)
Jesus said, “Blessed are those who hear the word of God and keep it.” (Luke 11:28 EHV)
Guided by the Holy Spirit’s working and by our love for the Savior, what will you and I say and do? May you enjoy worship in one of God’s houses this weekend!
God keep you in his gracious care,
Pastor Stephen Luchterhand